I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I’m not sure where else to turn.
I was just visiting my parents for Thanksgiving (I live about 2000 miles away from them), and we were reminiscing about the “good old days” before all the drama in my parents’ friend group. We got on the topic of one family who was shunned from the group when I was about 10. I didn’t understand what was happening besides Family X now hated Family Y, which meant I couldn’t see some of my friends at the same time anymore. Now that decades have passed, I asked why the families hated each other.
Well, Family X has a son who is non verbal autistic. Let’s call him ‘A’. A doesn’t speak a single word despite now being in his 30s. I should note though that despite not being able to speak words, he does communicate decently well with hand gestures, facial expressions, and grunts. He’s doesn’t know sign language or anything like that, so he can’t express complex thoughts, but he can express basic thoughts like being hungry, wanting to play videogames, or being attracted to someone (this is important later). Well, apparently about 20 years ago the mother of Family Y overheard that A (around 12 at this time) had sexually assaulted another child in the friend group. The mother of Family Y called CPS, starting a whole shitstorm for Family X. Ultimately nothing could be proven, but Family Y was shunned from the friend group. My parents stayed friends with both families for a while, but eventually slowly stopped hanging out with Family Y.
Hearing all of this unlocked a few memories of mine from when I was a kid.
- My parents asking if anyone ever touched me inappropriately. Luckily the answer was no.
- I overheard A’s older brother saying that he walked into a room and A was “having sex” with another boy in the friend group. I remember which boy they were talking about, and he was around the same age as A, but I have no clue any of the context outside of this. I don’t know if it was sexual assault (possibly even the sexual assault that was reported) or just two boys having sex at too young of an age. I can’t remember when this was, but I would guess they were both 12-14 at this time.
- When I was a little older, maybe 14, I was at another family’s house who had removed themselves from the friend group a few years earlier. I was talking to the daughter of that family alone. Let’s call her B. B was my age and my best friend from ages 4-8. Probably my earliest memory is riding tricycles with B in her backyard. Anyway. B told me that she always got creepy vibes from A. A would make hand gestures and whistling noises at B, making it clear that he liked her. The families made B go on a date with A, despite her protests. Eventually A tried forcing himself on B, and she fought him off. Immediately after this, B’s family moved an hour or so away, and she was happy to be away from him.
These are old memories, and I probably have a lot of details wrong. But there is enough information here for me to believe that A is a sexual assaulter with no doubt in my mind.
Fast forward to about 3 years ago. A’s older brother is married and has a child. The child, who was being potty trained at the time, said that Uncle A touched him inappropriately (I didn’t get the details of what exactly this meant). A’s mother said he was just helping the toddler go to the bathroom. But with A’s history, I just don’t believe that. The kid had help going to the bathroom hundreds of times and only spoke up this one time. Something was different this time. Toddlers don’t just make this kind of stuff up. A’s brother got a divorce over this, as the child’s mother took these accusations seriously, but A’s immediate family dismissed it. Now they are in the midst of an intense legal battle over custody. The mother doesn’t want her child near A, but that family currently has partial custody.
I don’t know if the child’s mother knows about these other times that A was accused of sexual assault. I would like to help in any way I can. Since everything I know is unreliable memories from non-direct experiences, I’m not sure it would be helpful for me to get directly involved. But I would like to potentially get the child’s mother in contact with B. Maybe B can testify against A in this custody battle. Unfortunately, I have completely lost contact with B. I don’t have her phone number or anything. Additionally, I don’t even know the child’s mother’s name. She married A’s brother long after I stopped being around that family regularly. I maybe met her twice at large social gatherings.
I just feel like I might be in the unique situation where I have heard many sides of this story over decades, and I might be the only person who put it all together. I want to help, but I don’t know how. I don’t want A to keep being able to sexually assault more people. I feel if I do nothing right now, any future sexual assaults A commits is partially on me.
What can I do?
Contact the local police department and tell them that you’ve been made aware of a possible child molestation incident and let them handle it from there.
As of now, the police are already involved. I’m just afraid it will be swept under the rug like it was 20 years ago. I was hoping I could do something to help their case against A.
Edit: Thinking about it more, if I can’t get in contact with B, this is probably the best I can do in my current situation.
Talk to your parents and everyone in your parents friend group to try to regain contact with A’s victims as well as anyone that witnessed any SA. Give those contacts and stories to the police and also give the contacts of others that often interact(ed) with A, since many of them may have never spoken up about it.
This is a really important situation and what you do now can prevent a life’s worth of trauma. At the same time don’t beat yourself up about it or feel guilty about it either, it’s your fault and sometimes nothing can be done, especially if many aren’t willing to cooperate with authorities.
I will definitely do that. My mom is very much on the side of A’s mom and wants to bury everything. But I think my dad will see reason if I explain what I explained here.
The other option is to ask for contact information without saying the real reason why. Or ask another friend. I’ll bet I can get it without raising any unnecessary flags. I’m not afraid of being shunned. I’ll do anything I have to. I’m afraid of people telling each other not to give me the contact info, making it that much harder to get it.