This is the best answer. Not that you even owe them this much of an explanation. But it provides enough detail to satisfy them and succinctly tells them in corporate language to fuck right off.

I am in awe of your tastebuds.

I didn’t know anyone else did this. I was just snacking on some bucatini. I recommend it! Long thin tubes of pasta that break up easily and have no risk of sharp bits.

I think it is a result of growing up in an “ingredient household”. We did not stock snacks, and I was always too lazy to make a meal.

Generative Ai is such a drain on our resources. While I am happy this is bringing about more green energy sources, watching it be poured into such meaningless bullshit is depressing.

What is the point of being self-aware if the only thing you are aware of is your inadequacies and failures? We need validation in order to keep going.

The circumstances it was found in were a little different than OPs, like I said the bag appeared overnight. And on private property where there was no road access. Little bit suspicious for a heavy suitcase to wind up in a place like that. The detective agreed. Police aren’t just there to make traffic stops. He said there were a few unsolved missing persons cases that police had searched the nearby area for on account of their circumstances. In one case, a wife went missing, and her husband was spotted circling the roads nearby for hours the night she went missing but her body was never found.

I just kept my story brief because I didn’t think anyone would be interested. But there was absolutely reason to think it could amount to something. And all I’m saying is if I get murdered, I hope the local cops I initially called aren’t on the job cause those guys acted like they wanted to be sitting in their car eating donuts.

A similar situation happened to me! DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING Call the non emergency number! If they are annoyed that they came out and it winds up being garbage, who cares? At least you didn’t ignore something potentially very important.

In my case, it was a suitcase that had duct tape around it. That showed up overnight. I called local cops first that sent guys out that seemed bored, honestly. And my heart was racing as I answered questions. When they opened the bag, it had ripped clothes and a half used roll of duct tape. The local PD literally said “well, we don’t have a crime we can match this to.” They started to leave without the bag and I was confused why they wouldn’t at least take it for evidence? I have watched too many episodes of CSI, cold case etc and was freaking out. They left. I guess they just want to make money on traffic stops.

I couldn’t leave the situation there, and a friend knew someone in the State Police. After a few phone calls I got in touch with a detective. Who was very confused that the local cops had handled the situation like that. He arrived and took the bag into evidence and got my information. As far as I know, nothing ever came of it.

I absolutely love the concept of Well There’s Your Problem, but they can’t get to the damn point without derailing the flow of the story with banter that I don’t find entertaining. If anyone has any similar podcasts, I would appreciate a recommendation.