There was a program many years back that discussed this issue. It showed two kids, young girls, one was fairly well off and had all the things you’d expect a young girl to have and some to spare. The other was a young girl living in an impoverished nation and had a very poor family. Think tin roof on adobe walls kind of poor. She had a single stuffed animal that was in dubious shape handed down from child to child. The well-off girl had a small army of stuffed animals.
Point of the segment in the program was how difficult it was for the well off girl to share anything and how possessive she was for her material things, whereas the little girl that had very few things was willing to share her one stuffed animal quite willingly.
Wish I could remember the show. But it demonstrated quite handily that even at a young age people who had more, wanted more, and were unwilling to part with even small things vs the people who had very little.
One of the many reasons that I don’t have venmo or any other form of transfer app is so people can’t send me some nominal sum of money.
I’m not rich, but definitely one of the higher earners at my job. I don’t want some person making less than half what I do worrying about a slice of pizza or a cup of coffee.
To note: This is also not something I gloat over or continuously remind people of or any such thing. I’m just happy to have the resources to be able to bring the smallest smidgen of “make your day a little less shitty”
What if you eat at a restaurant with a large party and someone puts it all on their card?
‘Struggle with generosity’ is to greed, like ‘died as a result of an officer involved shooting’ is to murder.
I would say there’s a distinction.
“I want more” is different from “I don’t want to share”.
Is it? Why? That doesn’t seem self evident to me at all.
You could be unwilling to share what you have while also not desiring more of what you have. They are just two different concepts.
Not wanting to share my fries doesn’t automatically mean I also want more fries than I already have.
The American heritage dictionary definition 1: ^ An excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or deserves, especially with respect to material wealth.
Seems that both fall squarely within the definition of greed.
If the other commenter’s point is that “struggling with generosity” is just another way to say “greed”, then I think that’s overly reductionist
“If someone does the small-dollar Venmo, it means they don’t feel good,” Bradley says.
So many thoughts after reading this article.
The first is a former partner. We both grew up in families with more than most. She always wanted to make sure we shared all costs (shared Ubers, dinners, etc). I was of the mindset that we each cover things case by case. I’ll get this one, you get the next one; it’ll more or less balance out. If it feels like I’m disproportionately covering more than my share, I’ll let you know. She couldn’t think that way.
Further: she’d never had a job and was about to earn her doctorate in psychology. She would later counsel people who would inevitably bring money concerns to her with no experience in any job other than being a fucking doctor. What the eff, I thought. I’ve worked in a factory, in a restaurant, in retail… Sure, I also later worked at one of the FAANG companies as an engineer and currently work supporting a VIP at a huge agency. But I’ve been broke and desperate at times even if I could call upon family if things were so bad that I couldn’t manage. Most aren’t so lucky. How would she ever have any perspective?
Finally, I don’t let anyone know my monetary status. Sure, you can figure out that I’m doing ok by the new but modest car that I drive, the apartment I rent, or my home theatre system. But I continue to think of myself as a commoner because I don’t have the sort of wealth that lets me purchase favors like the truly wealthy can and do. I live comfortably, not in luxury. I can’t imagine being so well off that I couldn’t spare a few bucks for a friend without keeping track.
I think the statement that I quoted above probably rings true, but there’s likely a lot more to it. I think it represents a sense of guilt over having more than others and internally recognizing that it’s unfair but not having the ability to square it.
Friend making $450k as a software engineer
I’m a software developer. If I just start calling myself an engineer, can I have 450k?
Are you a senior or staff software engineer for a multinational tech company in the Bay Area or NYC?
$450k is typical in that case.
Seniors are usually pulling around $200k in NYC, plus stock worth around $100k. Still crazy high, but not nearly $450k unless they’ve been there for a very long time, and the high CoL makes it worth about half of that.
Staff engineers, as in those who write 4 lines of code a year, are closer to $450k
Staff engineers get paid the big bucks to spend all day in meetings so the rest of us don’t have to.
Worth it.
New grads at Google make over $200k in NYC…
Yeah, that’s net including ~$100k of stock distributed over 4 years. The base starting is around $130k for a low level SWE. As the years to by, the base salary goes up to a little over $200k for seniors, but the stock refreshes aren’t usually as large as the initial.
Of course, it also depends on how the company is doing as a whole. Lately Googs has been struggling and laying off people.
I tried this but it didn’t work 😭
Nope, has more to do with which company you work at
Just change your email signature and you’re good to go :)
Well in that case, I’ll change it to CEO. Wish me luck!!
Good luck, here is a pic to go with the signature :)
Check the law where you live. Engineer is in many places a restricted profession like lawyer or doctor.
It’s not restricted in the US.
If the person is calling themselves a “software developer” instead of a “software engineer” then they almost certainly live some place where “engineer” is a restricted term.
No, software developer isn’t a fallback term for software engineer, they have slightly different implications. They’re all very loosely defined so they’re almost interchangeable
Really? Do you know of a company that has both developers and engineers where the distinction is not location?
Where I work, we have both, but it’s purely a location thing. In the American offices we’re called “engineers”, yet my coworkers in Canada are called “developers” despite doing the exact same work. We don’t have “developers” in the US.
Or they’re Dutch. Seriously we’ll send you a venmo (tikkie) for 3 cents.
Dutch people are great! Afrikaners are wonderful also.
I had to read a bit to understand what this meant because I didn’t know what venmo was, but I have seen people change from being weirdly generous to making more money and fairly quickly becoming irritatingly stingy to the point of nitpicking the rounding when pennies were discontinued.
You sure they’re making more money and not just trying to look like they are while balancing a fuck ton of debt? I know people like this. Appearances are everything to them.
I’m glad that’s never happened to me. They wouldn’t be my friend anymore.
The article talks about how this is not them being assholes, but because if they have more money then their peers, it tends to make them feel isolated and self-conscious and fears about being taken advantage of. They even quote the expert at the end who says “They don’t care about the $4.”
You would ditch a friend for struggling with someone? I find that hard to believe.
If they don’t care about my money, they shouldn’t ask for it. It’s just shitty behavior.
True, but people do things they shouldn’t do all the time because they are struggling. Like if your depressed friend flakes on hanging out, that’s “shitty behavior” too. Are they are bad person who you should ditch? Or a friend suffering that needs your support? In both cases, it seems to be the latter.
If they need my support, they can ask for my support. They’re asking for money.
If you can’t open up to me enough to say “I need your help,” I don’t think we were very good friends in the first place.
So, a depressed person who flakes on hanging out is a bad person you should ditch.
You and I are very different with our friends.
When did I say anything about hanging out? What are you talking about?
You answered the question indirectly. Or intentionally avoided it because you don’t want to admit some inconsistency. I figured the former, but maybe I was wrong. So which is it?
Poor people will just cover other people’s meals and stuff out of friendship and building community. You seem like a total ass
You’re right. I do cover other people’s meals when I can afford to do so. But I don’t send someone $4 for no reason. You keep bringing up irrelevancies.
And insults are not called for. I did not insult you once.
This is the first time I’ve engaged with you on this topic, idk what you’re talking about. “seems like an ass” is not an insult, please learn how to read or get thicker skin
So you’re telling me that if you told a complete stranger “you seem like a total ass” when you could look them in the eye, they wouldn’t feel insulted? Really? Because I think it sounds like a good way to provoke a physical altercation.
Nah, I’m not an invertebrate
People don’t usually get rich by giving money away or being bad at finances. Why is a wealthy person obliged to not ask you to pay back your share?
I’m by no means rich but I’m probably the wealthies of all my friends yet I live in a tiny house, drive a 15 year old truck and shop groceries at a discount. I’m extremely frugal and you can be sure I expect you to pay me back.
Are you, like in the article, afraid of your relationships becoming transactional? Do you think that if you paid for stuff for your friends every once in a while, they would start expecting it of you, and think of you only as a means of getting this free perk?
I simply don’t see why anyone would expect me to pay for their anything when I don’t expect that of anyone else either. If I buy my SO a dinner I pretty much assume her to pay the next time. It’s simple and fair that way and that’s how my (probably) autistic brain works. I can hardly justify spending 22€ on my own burger and a coke, let alone pay for someone else’s dinner.
Yeah, I was finding this article funny because when I was flat broke, you bet your ass I was keeping track of $5 for a cab ride.
Also, shit like that might be $5 split for one person, but if you’re the one who paid it could’ve been split four ways. Seems like nothing to the requestee, but the requester is in for $20.
Now make it drinks. Five people order drinks for $8 bucks a pop. That’s $40, plus tax and tip you’re up to $55. One person pays. Split 5 ways it’s only $11, but for the payer that’s a lot.
