TLDR: be happy to be alone, truly and genuinely. then it won’t matter if you find a partner, but you will be able to choose them with a clear mind if you do.

I’m basically a complete flip of you physically but I had the same problem for a loooooooooong time. I’m a tall, strong, heavy woman, and all i kept hearing was “you’re beautiful, I just don’t want someone taller/stronger/heavier than me”. I totally get it, I didn’t want to be taller/stronger/heavier than my partner either. But I’m like Fezzik- “it’s not my fault I’m the biggest and the strongest, I don’t even exercise”. except I did do cardio to try to slim down, I’m just built to survive famine I guess. ¯⁠\⁠(⁠◉⁠‿⁠◉⁠)⁠/⁠¯

What I didn’t understand was the ones who said they just wanted to be friends, because i just wasn’t their type, but would happily be fuck buddies, so long as we kept it hush hush. ಠ⁠ಗ⁠ಠ

Anyway, eventually after a bunch of very bad attempts at relationships where I took way more BS than I should have because I was just that hungry for affection, I decided I was just better off being single forever. I couldn’t seem to find a decent person who was attracted to me both physically and intellectually, so I decided to just stop looking. Not just stop looking, stop wanting. I actively wanted to be single for the rest of my life, in large part because I was just tired of the pain of being lonely. Like, “Jesus titty fucking Christ, we’re gonna cry ourselves to sleep because we’re SOOOO sad we’re alone AGAIN?! FFS, JUST STAHP!” So I stopped wanting a partner. I found I had so much more time and energy to do the things I was passionate about when I wasn’t futzing with all that stuff. I became the queen of getting shit done, remodeled my house myself, landscaped my yard, built a garden, went to the gym regularly, did weight lifting till I maxed out all the leg machines at the gym, and got close to maxing some of the upper body ones too. I was happy being single. I WANTED to be single. I craved my free time, the peace i found in solitude was better by orders of magnitude than any of the toxic relationships I’d clung to in the past.

After about two and a half years of that, a long time friend/ acquaintance started coming to me for massage ( I’m a deep tissue massage therapist with a focus on injury recovery and pain relief) and we would just talk throughout the sessions. Politics, philosophy, movies, anime, music, goals, food… Just everything. Eventually, after we’d just spent two more hours talking in the car after the two hours talking in the session, he said “Sooo… you know I’m flirting with you sometimes, right?” I turned him down. I said, more or less, “I’m happy single, I’ve had such a garbage time dating that I can’t pretend I’m not a decent part of the problem. I value our friendship and don’t want to hurt your feelings, and I’m not NOT attracted to you, I just don’t want to date ever again.” He was completely chill, said “no worries, no is no even if you’re attracted to me too. if you ever change your mind, let me know.” And he dropped it, never brought it up again… And fuck if that wasn’t the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. We kept being friends and talking and spending time together, talking about goals and wants and life plans and we found that our wants and goals in life were so in line it was uncanny. Importantly, neither of us wanted to get married, neither of us wanted kids, neither of us wanted to live with a partner ever again… It seemed like I could keep my peace, my space, my autonomy, AND have a partner who cared about my mind and emotions while also finding me wildly attractive. So we talked about what dating would look like and agreed to try it. It’s been 2.5 years so far and I’ve never been happier in a relationship. I still think if we stopped being romantically involved I’d probably prefer to go back to staying single, but I’m happy with him as a partner.

I tell you the whole story, kinda long and rambling as it is, because I don’t think I could have found a happy relationship if I had continued to want one with the same frantic energy as I had previously. I don’t think I would have been a person who could be as open and honest as I was with who I was if I’d still wanted a partner when we started to really get to know each other. I don’t think I was a whole person when I was looking for my “other half” and I don’t know if you can really find a good match if you’re not a whole entire person on your own. If I could distill the idea down to it’s core, I think it would be: be happy to be alone, truly and genuinely. then it won’t matter if you find a partner, but you will be able to choose them with a clear mind if you do.

I used to be very skinny, like 58 kgs at 186. I met my wife when I was 18 and she loves skinny dudes 😂

Regardless, I did feel self conscious about my skininess because I was bullied for it in school. I’ve both accepted myself, but I also gained about 15kg of muscle by doing starting strength. I’m by no means ripped, but I do feel like I carry myself with more confidence and that goes a long way.

Also, my dude, take this from someone in a 20 year relationship… Looks are neat and all, but finding someone you can actually stand, spend a lot of time and plan a life with is a significantly more worthwhile trait to pursue.

“I’m not so into skinny guys” sounds like an excuse, if you are getting it a lot I think there is something else going on here, not all women even have a type and some surely like skinny guys, some of the hottest men I’ve been with were so skinny, it can be a very attractive look on a man.

Since you say it’s your own standards, what do you mean? Do you think you are sort of batting out of your league looks-wise? You are already dancing so your body is probably in good shape, is there anything else that makes you think you are not physically attractive? May I ask how old you are?

You are outgoing and social, perhaps try practicing flirting? Like, without trying to take it any further?

Well, it sounds like you’re going after women out if your league because you think they’re attractive and that’s a valid choice. But it is a choice you’re making. It sounds like you could have intimacy if you lowered your standards or increased you attractiveness (gym etc). Or you could abandon dating to not have to face rejections.

So I think the key to avoid bitterness is to reevaluate if the choice you are making still works for you if it brings up bitterness. Then you can either stay with your choice or switch, if you don’t think any other option brings less negative feelings.

And if you choose the best option for you, there’s no need for bitterness.

Therapy. Also focusing on your hobbies and filling your life with joys that don’t focus on a datemate. But definitely therapy.

Your comments are only about appearance, and thus shallow. Have you tried shifting focus to people rather than what they appear to be at first glance?

“celibate by virtue of my own standards” … I was not aware I belonged to a club which viral acronym does not exist yet

It’s a been a long long time since I was dating, anyone who turns you down and says “sorry you’re too thin” is best avoided to say the least.

In fact I’m having a difficult time believing you keep hearing it, because it’s so rude.

What do your woman friends say?

I don’t believe that most women don’t like skinny guys. That’s likely just BS. I have no idea what kind of girls OP is asking out. Maybe he’s asking the super hot biddy girls who only wanna date bros from the jersey shore? No idea. But that just doesn’t seem accurate. Perhaps the girls really have another reason and are trying to come up with an excuse. I have no idea.

OP, if you wanna put on a little muscle mass without getting super into weight lifting, just do pushups/planks/other easy shit every day whenever you have a free minute. Merely doing that will add some muscle definition and make you appear a bit less skinny. You’ll notice some obvious results after a few months. You don’t have to go ham into weight lifting, unless you want to.

Also, you may have a fast metabolism OP. If so, you’ll be fucking happy when you’re older and all of your friends are fat - and you’re still skinny ;-).

Here’s the thing about people…every one of them is different. You could be white, and find a girl who only dates black guys. You could be black, and a girl only dates white guys. You could be fat, skinny, or muscular. And you could run into the girl that doesn’t mesh well with your type.

I once saw a guy with nazi tattoos, and he had a nazi girlffiend. I told them they could go fuck themselves. They laughed it off, but I wasn’t joking.

Point is, if you think of yourself as not getting dates because you’re skinny, find the girls who like the skinny guys. If a nazi can get a date, so can you. You just gotta find the right crowd. I know two girls who likes red headed irishmen with freckles. But I bet somewhere out there is a red headed irishman who thinks theres no girls for him because he has too many freckles. Little does he know he’s a panty dropper with these two specifically.

Find your person!

I’m going to take a different approach. It’s not that the general advice on focusing internally is bad. To the contrary, it’s the best advice. But there’s other things to do as well to help mitigate what I call “serial rejection response”.

People tend to think that their attraction standards can’t change. But they do, constantly, for plenty. They change as we age, as our perspective shifts as we gain experiences, or even just by repeated exposure to other standards.

Now, I’m going to venture into some shaky territory here, so be aware that there is disagreement in published information about some of this.

There are multiple things that go into attraction. They one thing that seems universal is symmetry. The more symmetric the face and body are, the more likely people are to find it attractive. It’s a pretty objective standard too, with not much room for interpretation.

However, there’s also signs of health and viability as a possible mate. That’s where you run into the first thing that can shift. We don’t actually have a great ability to read health visually. And there’s subjectiveness inherent in what is and isn’t considered healthy, and that can change easily.

A common example of that is acne. Not everyone views is as sign of bad health, but some do. It’s also something that is more common in teen and young adult stages. When you’re younger, and everyone around you is more prone to acne, you tend to filter it out because it’s so common, we just don’t see it as a flaw in every case. And there’s gradations as to how severe acne is before an individual detects it as a negative rather than the norm.

Body build is obviously the same kind of thing. It’s a subjective, and largely subconscious, “template” that gets built up over time to filter other people into categories of “possible mate” and “nah”. But the very fact that it not only builds over time, but can change later in life as we’re exposed to more variety, means that it’s something that can be adapted to.

Now, you can actually consciously change what you’re attracted to, though it isn’t easy, and takes time. This would expand the pool of attraction to give better chances of mutual attraction.

But, once you realize that the vast majority of people don’t know it can change, and that they’re just drifting along responding to stimuli they don’t even understand, it means you don’t need to worry about it as much. It becomes a matter of patience in finding someone, or shifting closer to the local norm of what is and isn’t attractive (and there is a large degree of it that is very local, down to town size and smaller; you’ll find people at different schools in the same county having different standards as a group).

This helps remove any bitterness because, once the idea is internalized, you know that not only is it not you being unattractive at all (and everyone is attractive in some way, even if it’s very limited), it’s just not the right time and/or place. It’s a crappy hand to be dealt, but not an insurmountable one.

You’d be amazed how just moving to another town can radically change how much attraction you receive. Just changing neighborhoods can do it in decent sized cities or towns.

I promise you, plenty of girls and women like extra skinny guys, the same way plenty like dad bods, massive muscles, trim athletic builds, or chubby to obese bodies. It’s all about where and when you are. You, exactly as you are now, may find that women shift towards your body type as you age. Or you might not, but be aware that it isn’t universal or permanent inherently. A super thin guy in his twenties is running around asking out women roughly in the same age group most of the time, and that could be a grouping that’s locally only into dad bods as a majority. But they get older and change too, so you run into the ones that shift towards your type.

And, obviously, not only will your tastes change over time whether you want it or not, you could start work on finding the attractive qualities in a wider range of women. People think of this, and talk of this, as “lowering standards”, but that’s bullshit. That way of thinking assumes that any given set of standards is right solely because the person using the term thinks their standards are better. And, again, that’s bullshit.

As an example of that, if I dig thicc ladies, but have no luck with them, it isn’t lowering my standards to date someone that’s model skinny, it’s just a different standard. If I didn’t like that kind of body type, I would have to work at seeing the good parts to change the “template” in my head that says attractive or not. I’m lucky in that I’ve never really had a type, but I do have greater or lesser attraction to different types. I have successfully changed that over time though, multiple times, partially just to see if I could.

Seriously, do a little thought experiment here. Find someone you don’t find attractive that’s with someone. Ask yourself what they see in them. Then look for it, because I promise you it’s there. They’re using their internal template, probably without thinking, and found a match to it. Once you start realizing that there are things in people you aren’t attracted to that are attractive anyway, you start to look at looks in a new way.

This is getting long, so I won’t bore you with anecdotes about my own life and how this works. But I will end with something to think about. Ever know an old couple? The kind that sum still kiss and hug, and make googoo eyes at each other, call each other beautiful and handsome. They exist. And they are attracted to each other, and likely always have been despite the fact that neither of them would have been attracted to the other fifty years prior.

Remember that, and you never need be bitter.

Consider just going on a date with someone you wouldn’t normally have if you’re in a dry spell. Helps you figure out your preferences in a relationship beyond physical appearance.

I’m not into skinny guys

That seems way easier to fix than “I’m not so into fat fucks.” Just eat more and stop going to the gym.

You only want to date attractive women. You aren’t attracted to many women. Those ones don’t seem attracted to you.

Does that sound right?

That’s a nonstandard combination, and that’s ok. You might be Ace, but not Aro. An Ace person (or someone elsewhere on the sexuality spectrum) could hold women to a high beauty standard for aesthetic reasons. While still having low requirements for the romantic side (i.e. be willing to compromise to get romance)

Figuring out yourself will then dictate your dating approach. If you are Ace, then finding a beautiful Ace girlfriend is not the same approach as finding a straight one.

All I know is, my desire for sex would (did) easily override some arbitrary beauty requirement. I think most generic straight guys would agree. So if this isn’t happening, it’s worth your time to ask why.