The ADHD urge to lie about why you didn’t do something because “my brain refused to start on it” doesn’t make sense to a lot of neurotypicals.
This behavior has gotten me into a lot of shit over the years😬🤦♂️
#ADHD #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurodiverse #neurodivergence #ADHDmemes
Jokes aside, I’d love to figure out how to help my kid with this. Sometimes shit just isn’t in the cards and it causes a lot of pain between us.
@Gradually_Adjusting @adhd well I hope nobody perceives it as a joke…I’m dead serious. I’ve lied SO much when I was younger about why I didn’t finish something. But I live in the US Deep South and nobody believes in mental issues here.🤦♂️
Nah dude from the parent’s perspective this shit ain’t always that funny lmao… I enjoy the humour but I also take it seriously. I’m grateful that so many people with ADHD make memes and shitposts about their experiences because it helps me to empathise with my kid.
@Gradually_Adjusting @adhd yeah I didn’t mean it as a joke or meme. I tagged adhdmeme so others might see it🤷♂️
I’m with you. My kid has adhd and I read these comics, not for the humor, but to get an idea of what’s going on in his head.
Thank you for doing that. Thank you for making an effort to understand him. Like a parent should! Thank you so much! I genuinely mean it. 💖
You’re welcome, but I’m no angel! His ADHD frustrates the absolute hell out of me. Trying to play with him results in a shift in activity every 5 minutes. It’s painful when I get invested in drawing Godzilla pictures only to have to go play pretend Minecraft 5 minutes in.
Reading these is a survival mechanism for me!
On a side note: I’ve realized I share sooooooo many symptoms with him. Currently in progress getting tested for adult ADHD.
I should get tested as well, even as an adult.
As a kid it was really bad, and affected my entire schooling negatively (I was the kid who would ace every test and quiz but still end up with a C because I turned in zero homework assignments…gifted classes but struggling to make the honor roll)…but my parents were worried about both the stigma of a diagnosis as well as the fear that I’d get prescribed something that would turn me into a zombie. Probably both unfounded fears but that’s why they never got me tested and growing up, only having them for perspective, that’s what I thought as well.
Basically they tried to make me afraid of getting a diagnosis in order to get me to “straighten up” and do my homework.
Looking back, I really wish they’d have looked into it and at least got me evaluated. If there was something I could take that would’ve improved my focus, it probably would have been a huge help in my academics.
It depends on what specifically you’re trying to get him to do, but something I’ve found very helpful is setting up the environment in a way that will lower the “initiation energy” of something to make it easier to start doing. YMMV on what does or doesn’t work for him, my spouse and I have found labels and organizing by task to be a huge help in making it easier to start things because now I have to devote 0% of my brain power to wandering around finding everything I need and staying on task, and I don’t need to root through drawers to find it.
Sensory adjustments to the environment might also be useful, like changing light levels, noise blocking headphones/ear plugs, or playing white noise/natural noises. And it sounds hippy dippy as fuck, but time in outdoor green spaces has been shown to improve symptoms in kids with ADHD, so if you guys aren’t regularly spending time outside or at the park it could be a good to incorporate it.
You’re already doing a lot more than many parents just by trying to understand and empathize instead of beating it out of him, so fist bump from a former neurodivergent kid. 🤜
What’s helped me is a combination of physical exercise (which helps against feelings of unrest that may be bothering me) and sort of sliding into the subject, tackling the easier parts first and from there riding the dopamine wave.
But yeah, it doesn’t get any easier.
I kinda… Need it to?
That’s where therapy for you comes in. Gotta figure out how to get used to it, because adhd is for life.
It might help you to think of your son having adhd as being functionally the same if he was paraplegic.
ADHD isn’t a chemical imbalance like depression. It’s a developmental disorder where something happened to his brain while he was a fetus, and now his frontal/prefrontal cortex doesn’t function correctly.
It’s literally a disability, so you don’t cure it, you learn to work around it.
After a half a decade or so, I do feel as if I could use some counseling. So many quick and intense feelings that I’ve never had to deal with before have left me feeling somewhat whiplashed - reactive and grouchy… I’ll try to make room in my life for some talk therapy down the road. Meanwhile we’re seeking options to help him manage his symptoms. Thanks
If your son having adhd is a struggle for you, then therapy needs to be now, not later. Otherwise there’s a chance you might start resenting him, and those feelings can be hard to get rid of after they get established.
Or, at least read some self help books specifically for parents of adhd children.
My wife figured out she was on the spectrum not too long ago, and me getting therapy and reading books for people in my situation really helped with being patient and understanding.
But, I made the mistake of waiting until things became an actual problem before doing it, so it’s been a struggle for me to not struggle with it.
Depending on how old your kid is, it might or it might not improve. The frontal lobe of their brain still has a lot of development left in children; right up until they’re about 25. This may improve things.
Also, please don’t be one of those parents who discounts meds. They can really help a lot. And no, they’re not addictive (in fact, people with ADHD are more likely to forget them than to use them recreationally).
Thank you. Sincerely. My parents are the ones who have been working on me, trying to play it off as no big deal and trying to scare me away from pharmaceuticals. “Everyone I knew who ever abused pills was medicated as a child,” and other shit like that.
Currently he’s very young, and I have heard that the presentation changes with age. I have some hope. An older friend with ADHD tells me that his memories of being this age were like that of “being a feral animal”, and he marvels at what mine is capable of already. That’s the frustration of it for me, he’s so bright and I only get to see it a few moments at a time. I want to bask in his glow my whole life.
Or because they’re tired of hearing “I just forgot”. You can only say “I forgot (because Zi was overwhelmed, because the task wasn’t interesting, because I got distracted, because I can’t remember lists, because I do a soft reset every time I walk through a doorway)” so many times, even though it keeps being true.
This is why I love my current job and my friendship group’s. In both circles “I didn’t do that because I’ve been struggling with my ADHD” is a completely valid reason.
I mean, at work it’s followed by a short “what do we do to get over that hurdle?” because obviously I can’t just, not do my job.
But at least I’m not having to make shit up, and I can actually get to the root of the problem (being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world) and address it. Even if addressing it is just my boss giving me a fake deadline to put the pressure on the task.
Ugh my current boss is one of those “what’s wrong with that guy calling in suck when there’s work to do” guys, I hate it.
I have anxiety and on bad days like today and yesterday I’m absolutely fucking useless.
I keep getting in trouble at work for calling in sick from anxiety and I don’t even know why I keep getting it. I’m sitting here with nothing to do and I’m anxious. Why is my brain like this?
I can’t tell you why, but I get the exact same thing with my anxiety, and it saps my focus and motivation.
I think I saw a post on reddit along the lines of “anything worth doing is worth doing poorly”, for example doing a poor job brushing your teeth is better than not brushing them at all. It’s different than half assing something because you still care, you’re just doing what you can do.
I’ve kind of adopted that philosophy because it’s better to go to work and be 20% productive than not go and be zero percent and then worry about making up for lost time.
NGL, I’ve just accepted that it won’t make sense to the neurotypicals.
I’ll straight up say “sorry, my brain wouldn’t let me do it” or “the guy upstairs is really fighting me right now” while pointing at my head.
Best case, they understand what I mean. Worst case, they think I’m crazy, which is a best case in and of itself.
Yeah the co-workers that think I’m “crazy” leave me alone and don’t ask me to complete stuff so its a huge win.
ADD/ADHD is an executive function failure related to feedback and it’s relationship to motivation. Normies never experience that on anything approaching a regular basis. As such, trying to explain that to them is like trying to explain what the colour of the number seven smells like. They’ll be all, “well, just do it. How hard could it be?”
They’ll be all, “well, just do it. How hard could it be?”
Though sometimes that’s exactly what I need someone to tell me. To the point that I do this with some of my other ADHD friends. “Do it right now. I’ll wait.”
I promise you “Yeah I just kinda fucked it off” resonates with many more people than you’d think.
If you’d like to try and find a faster way to alienate a neurodivergent person, this is basically it.
My parents still have no clue how to regulate there comments when I mention my difficulties. They love pointing out how “pretty much everyone struggles with getting their real life taken care of.”
Yeah, and I’m sure everyone else also sits there for hours at a time, lamenting themselves for not being able to get up and getting it done. It’s less about the inability to get started, and more about the excruciating guilt you feel when simple tasks take hours of internal bargaining to finally get done.
The OP was talking about the feeling of needing to lie for fear others won’t understand, but my suggestion is to not lie, being transparent works way more often. It works for me, anyways, and if people don’t understand then that’s their problem, not mine.
No idea where you dug all that shit out of, though, but good job I guess.
The point I was trying to make was that, more often than not, it doesn’t matter how transparent and honest you are, a lot of people will never buy into the “I forgot again” excuse because you’re supposed to “learn from your mistakes.”
I’m exactly the same way as you, except it can get a lot more difficult when I add in my constant need to please everyone. It’s almost not worth the effort to be honest when the people you’re talking are not reciprocative of your struggles, even though they claim to acknowledge your illness.
I’m not sure there was any need to be so defensive about it, but it was on me for not properly explaining my thought process. Just trying to have a critical conversation about the problems that plague us.
Unfortunately, at least for me, people very frequently make it my problem when they don’t understand (or don’t care). Mainly my parents. And they wonder why I don’t talk to them anymore.
I usually just say something like “I did say I was going to do that didn’t I, sorry I haven’t got to it yet” and people chuckle and move on. YMMV depending on your workplace, obviously.
I’m a fan of the “haven’t had a chance yet” language.
If they press me on that, I just tell them what other tasks I have on my list.
Indeed. My priorities are different to your priorities, so your number one priority is just somewhere on my list 🤷
seriously though it doesn’t even make a lot of sense to me.
nor does forgetting the thing - like no one I work with has this problem why me
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Why lie? If someone’s going act like a cunt about it tell em to FOD. Maybe not mean like that… But fuck em.
Because I’d like to keep my job.
I think it’s very healthy to not lie… But as a 37 year old I was raised (rather firmly) with the understanding that “I didn’t feel motivated to start” was a fully unacceptable “lazy” excuse.
For me, spinning some bullshit reason is so second nature that I’ll do it before I realize it might be easier to just be transparent. To further complicate things I’m such a high achiever that I can usually dig myself out of the hole before eating any real pain so… I rarely eat serious shit for my lies.
If you can be honest I think that’s by far the better tactic.
Well tbf I’m brutally honest and it hasn’t really helped me.
Nah, it’s a good habit… It’s easier to slightly temper your expression than be more direct and non-shit managers (I am one) will appreciate your candor because it let’s us plan and respond better.
Basically high level procrastination.
Shame usually, and the fear that they’ll reject me for my shortcomings
And of course a(n) (un)healthy sprinkling of self loathing for failing (yet again) to do the things I set out to do
I’m better at it now than I was before but accepting myself was the biggest step in stopping those lies
It started when I was a toddler and didn’t understand why I wasn’t doing things. Then as I got older it was easier to lie to get out of the consequences of my own inaction than it was to figure out why I just couldn’t do things. Then eventually lying was just second nature for me. Lying got me out of trouble more often than not.
The point of not lying about it though is so that future generations don’t need to lie.
But yeah… Shit sucks.
Ok now try explaining that to a toddler who doesn’t know shit about fuck and is constantly getting yelled at by their parents for not doing things they were supposed to do, or doing things they weren’t supposed to do.
