i genuinely have an issue. it’s like…there’s people on all sides. i need to rest my eyes somewhere, esp in a social setting which is already inherently a bit wearing

  • if you look down at your food, you look sad or disinterested or whatever
  • if you look at the ceiling that’s insane, isn’t it?

so that’s down and up out. let’s look at:

  • the sides, which have people there or nearly there, or obscuring the view of a nice window or painting, and you can’t stare at people.

fuck fuck fuck. what about:

  • the center. oh no. this is the nightmare zone. let’s break it down into 3 sections: the top contains their face, that’s quite insane to look at. downwards, the table across from you with their food, that could seem like you’re looking at their body very intently, can’t do that. the middle? if it’s a woman, then that’s very much bad form. but if you’re a guy generally attracted to women, part of your brain wants to look no matter what, at least a little. and since when you’re sitting, forward is the most natural direction to look (you can’t really turn around or move, particularly), so you keep coming back to it and AHH FUCK

fucking nightmare.

  • stembolts@programming.dev
    822·
    2 months ago

    Scan the room left to right. Quickly. Do it 3-10x. Survey the people.

    Now. Go to the far left person, look at their head. Maintain eye to head contact for 3 seconds. Now with your mouth make a (bzzzrrr) noise and turn your head slowly to the next person. When you stop turning your head make a (kerthnk, zzp) noise. Do this for every person in the restaurant. You now have data on everyone.

    Next step, scan for exits, reposition yourself at the table so that your back faces the nearest structural wall, this will be useful if there is a fire fight. Turn your seat backwards and plant your feet far apart for maximum stability, also granting you the mobility to leap to your feet and dive through a window if necessary.

    I assume you are wearing leather gloves and a bandana, nod to yourself and squeeze your hands a few times to get the blood flowing.

    The server is here, order nuggies and a water. You’ll need your protein, but you are prepared.

    Go forth and conquer the world my child.

  • tal@lemmy.todayEnglish
    65·
    2 months ago

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotlight_effect

    The spotlight effect is the psychological phenomenon by which people tend to believe they are being noticed more than they really are. Being that one is constantly in the center of one’s own world, an accurate evaluation of how much one is noticed by others is uncommon. The reason for the spotlight effect is the innate tendency to forget that although one is the center of one’s own world, one is not the center of everyone else’s. This tendency is especially prominent when one does something atypical.[1]

    Research has empirically shown that such drastic over-estimation of one’s effect on others is widely common. Many professionals in social psychology encourage people to be conscious of the spotlight effect and to allow this phenomenon to moderate the extent to which one believes one is in a social spotlight.[2]

    • fuckwit_mcbumcrumble@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
      161·
      2 months ago

      See also: masking

      Trying too hard to mask + spotlight effect? You’re gonna have a bad time. It took me a while to eventually learn to just like not stare at someone too long and you’ll be fine. Nobody cares unless it’s them you’re staring at, and even then they probably don’t care all that much.

    • lath@lemmy.world
      5·
      2 months ago

      Numerous experiences in my life have proven to me that this is partly accurate and op has grounds to be worried.

      I cannot count the times i was lost in thought in a public space and someone interrupted me with “the fuck you looking at?” or “is something wrong?” type of questions.

      People notice. You notice. Sometimes it’s ignored, but enough times you need to unscramble your thoughts to answer a “the fuck you looking at?” out of nowhere.

      Having a phone is the modern excuse. Just stare at the screen or pretend you’re scrolling.

      Yet, having a low self-esteem will make one anxious in a public setting quite unreasonably. And while hard to achieve all the time, an answer is in fact to stop caring about what other people think. It does work.

  • LanternEverywhere@kbin.social
    161·
    2 months ago

    (Not an insult) i assume you’re autistic or have some autistic traits, so maybe people in the autism forums could help too.

    Generally you can look at anything and everything you want to look at, but just don’t do it for more than a few seconds in a row.

    Like for example if there’s two of you at a table and you’re having a conservation then it would go something like this. look in you tablemate’s eyes for 3-5 seconds, then look at your plate for a few seconds while you’re using your utensils on your food, then look in your tablemate’s eyes for another 3-5 seconds, then look at the wall decor for a few seconds, then back at your tablemate’s eyes for a few seconds, then back on your plate to look at what you’re eating for a few seconds, then back to your tablemate’s eyes again for a few seconds. Now that i talk it out, i think it’s right for about every other look to be at your tablemate’s eyes.

    Basically it’s the same as any situation where you’re having a conversation with someone. Look at their eyes for a few seconds, then look at something else for a couple seconds, then look back at their eyes again for a few seconds.

      • Willy@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
        5·
        2 months ago

        there are no normal people here, but I can say I don’t have to think about where I’m looking all the time. well, I sometimes have to catch myself not checking out cleavage.

      • littlewonder@lemmy.world
        2·
        2 months ago

        No, this isn’t a typical thing people think about. Which is why it’s associated with autism, (social) anxiety, and/or ADHD. Now, it doesn’t mean you definitely have any of those, but it’s something to consider as part of a larger picture.

        I suggest you pursue medical/therapeutic support if you find that this anxiety is negatively affecting how you live your life :)

        • VaultBoyNewVegas@lemmy.world
          2·
          2 months ago

          I have ADHD and autism traits and I definitely have similar thoughts to op when I have to deal with unfamiliar situations. Like even a Drs appointment I have to mentally plan a conversation in my head about how they respond otherwise I’ll forget to mention things.

      • Chee_Koala@lemmy.world
        2·
        2 months ago

        No diagnosis here, is that normie enough? We all have the spotlight effect, some more than others. Autism symptoms or diagnosis just point you in a viable direction for effective help.

        Eye contact isn’t so bad, as written here already: quick smile or nod that acknowledged the eye contact, then scan to the next point of Interest or head. I basically keep looking around all the time, unless my dinner date is speaking to me or visa versa, then I try to maintain contact at the table. Looking at you plate isnt so bad either.

        The bad thing is staring, even more so if your gaze is not empty but clearly with intent. You can always fake ‘coming back’ from staring if this happens, move your face in a way that eludes the feeling you just ‘woke up’ from a stare, smile apologetically, move your gaze to the next item.

        This might feel like a lot of work in the beginning, but you only just started and have been practicing awkward gazes all your life ^^ , so feeling a bit outside of your comfort zone is to be expected when trying these new things.

      • dingus@lemmy.worldEnglish
        1·
        2 months ago

        I am definitely not “normal”, but I do not think in autistic. I however have extreme social anxiety and I do think thoughts like the OP. So I think you can feel that way for more than one reason, be it autism or social anxiety or whatever

      • LanternEverywhere@kbin.social
        1·
        2 months ago

        Most people don’t consciously think about these things very often at all. Generally there’s only a very occasional sudden realization that you’ve been starting at a person’s eyes for a bit too long and so look away for a moment. But really this is only a very very occasional thing. We almost never consciously think “ok where should i point my eyes now?”

        Or at least that’s how it is for me. I guess I’m assuming that’s how it is for most people too.

  • lurch@sh.itjust.works
    14·
    2 months ago

    looking at your food or plate is okay. people don’t think you’re sad, just preoccupied or interested in your food.

    btw you can always close your eyes and picture a jumping cow. it’s free

  • LemmyKnowsBest@lemmy.world
    13·
    2 months ago

    Don’t worry about what you’re looking at or what’s around you. Try this life hack: Concentrate on your thoughts.

    1. Go through your mind and start thinking of all the things you’re grateful for.

    2. Do simple math problems in your head.

    things like that. They keep your mind busy and if you’re worried about what people think of you when they see you, if your mind is occupied with things like that, people around you will see you as genuinely pensive with no affectations or awkwardness.

    And if you’re still worried about what you’re looking at, there is a concept in yoga called DRISHTI, which is “the thing (s) you happen to be looking at when you are concentrating or deep in thought.” It doesn’t matter what you’re looking at and It’s okay to look at nothing in particular when you’re concentrating /deep in thought.

  • HobbitFoot @thelemmy.clubEnglish
    13·
    2 months ago

    Just don’t stare at one thing that long.

    Look at your food when cutting it.

    Look at others when talking in conversation. Keep at least half your eye contact on the person talking, but look at others for their reactions as well.

    If there is something interesting between two people, rest your eyes there for a while.

    People will notice long term staring more than short shifts

  • otp@sh.itjust.works
    91·
    2 months ago

    Look around, but don’t stare. Engage in conversation and use the “rules” for that.

  • over_clox@lemmy.world
    81·
    2 months ago

    Might as well look at your phone then, wherever you sit. It’s 2024, that’s considered normal these days right?

    Or maybe, just maybe find a date to bring along with, and at least attempt to try holding a normal conversation and try getting to know each other.

  • leaky_shower_thought@feddit.nl
    7·
    2 months ago

    look at your phone while waiting.

    it doesn’t matter if the screen is on or not.

    have a sip of water every now and then. now suddenly you look like a busy person!

  • CrowAirbrush@lemmy.world
    6·
    2 months ago

    Just look wherever, don’t overthink it.

    You’re there to eat, as everyone else. It’s not like you have some instagram gym diva a table over that’s itching to publicly shame you.

    I usually focus on my food, converse with the others i’m there with and occasionally look around to see if someone ordered something i want too.

    If people take offense in that, so be it. Go be offended.